he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
