Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize