"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
