Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
