dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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