Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
