peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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