I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
