got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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