peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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