girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
