It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
