nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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