Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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