Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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