Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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