it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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