this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
