some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
