My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
