When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
