someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
