My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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