i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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