friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
