im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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