Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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