she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
