my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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