And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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