Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
