Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
