Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
