My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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