She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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