The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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