My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
