yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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