I faked an abortion last night.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize