there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
