Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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