I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
