some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
whose parrot is this?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
