Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
