update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
