My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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