On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
