I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
