I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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