i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
