I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it's great music for shaving your balls
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just gargled with NyQuil
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
