Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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