I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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