So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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