There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
