Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
