Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Randomize
