Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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